One year ago, I was experiencing nerve pain, joint pain, bone pain, ice cold rushes through my veins, stomach issues, and burning patches of skin, numbness and tingling in my face, fingertips, tongue and feet. Shuffling from one doctor office to the next, I heard things like, “Classic MS. Possible Lupus.” One year later, due to diet change, vitamin increase, and the intervention of God Almighty, I am predominately free of all these symptoms. I still feel incredibly grateful that my life in no way mirrors, what I thought it would in this life season. I don’t understand why He chose to impart wisdom and healing on my behalf in such a mighty way. I continue to learn that my role isn’t to understand, but to navigate the storm faithfully.
On the tail end of my recovery, our daughter’s health began unraveling. After multiple doctor visits and tests, we learned that her body contracted an infection. The infection birthed an auto immune which manifests predominately with neurological symptoms. This auto immune has stolen many typical middle school experiences for our sports minded girl. I’ve struggled with anger, at all the healthy girls her age and I have lamented “normal” family life. I’ve woken up in the middle of the night, stumbled in the dark to my girl’s bedside to help her wrestle through symptoms, only to hear her background music, “I know You’re able and I know You can-Save through the fire with Your mighty hand-But even if You don’t-My hope is You alone.”
These last few months I have wrestled with the Lord about why He chose to heal me and why He lingers in the healing of my girl. “Why, God? Why would you waste the healing on me?” Recently, Ann Voskamp wrote, “Sometimes God allows what He can hardly stand-to accomplish more than we understand.” Though, I cannot comprehend the ways of God, what I know is that I can trust Him. I can really trust Him. I just wish it didn’t hurt so much. He continues to teach me that He is faithful and sovereign and His plans far exceed mine. Paramount, He loves our girl. He loves her with a depth that her daddy and I fail to comprehend. We rest in His love for her and the fact that it far outweighs our love for her.
He has already brought so much good from her medical diagnosis. Though, this was not in our plans for her, or for any of our children, we are learning that there will always be a storm to navigate. Knowing that the world is broken and circumstances will ebb and flow with pain and restoration, we want to weather this storm well. Instead of dreaming of all the celebratory tomorrows, we want to celebrate with gratitude what He has given us today.
We can’t control our circumstances, the thoughts of others, or our girl’s medical condition. Yet, we do know the one who controls everything, and His word says in 2 Chronicles 20:15 “…do not be afraid and do not be dismayed at this great horde, for the battle is not yours but God’s.”