The last six months, I haven’t known what to write. I have missed sitting down at the computer once a week, putting words to what I was learning. Yet, I felt it was time to process and lean in. I needed my Abba to pour in, more than I could pour out. Though, He has been leading and teaching me in tender ways that I have wanted to share, it was just too personal to divulge to the masses.
At the end of June, my nervous system was damaged creating sensations of tingling, numbing, burning, and sensitivity to touch. Other symptoms have surfaced along the way, some of which, I believe the Lord has touched and healed. The symptoms have not been pleasant, but they have been navigable. The quest has not been to relieve the symptoms, as much as, to be certain that the symptoms weren’t indicative of a life altering disease wreaking havoc. We have spent the last six months exhausting science and trying remedies. Doctors have speculated both, daunting and menial diagnoses.
Toward the beginning of this journey, months ago, I believed the Lord spoke to my heart that I had become so comfortable with Him as my Abba that I had forgotten His power. I have known Him well as Father, but I needed to be reminded of Him as God Almighty. I also needed to know at my core, that He was enough. Regardless of what science determined or how my body might deter ate, is He enough? Going to the darkest place, the worst of what I could imagine, is He still good? Is He still sufficient? Will I still love Him and proclaim His sovereignty, even if I don’t like my circumstances? The answer, pain- staking, yet resolute, was yes. Yes, He is still good. Yes, He is still sufficient. Yes, I will still proclaim His sovereignty and His love. Just because my circumstances change, He does not. His love for me is fierce. If He is writing a painful, gut-wrenching chapter into my life, it’s because He believes it to be for my best and for His glory. He owes me nothing. He never has. He gifted eternal life, freedom, and me His son this side of heaven-all of which I never deserved. As a wretched, self-centered, self-seeking, hypocritical person, I have always deserved death. Yet, in my worst state, He deemed me worthy of the life of His son. The reality stands that even if I don’t receive complete healing this side of heaven, I will have total healing in eternity.
Somehow, along the way our priorities as believers have become enveloped in wanting healing, salvation and provision. Yet, in His unfathomable love for us, He allows things into our lives to expose our need for Him- the Healer, the Savior and the Provider. He loves me and He loves you enough that the road will not always be picturesque-to us. He sees our needs, when we can only see our wants. As a loving parent, He loves us enough to give us what we need, over what we want.
Recently, it has been determined that there is no life-altering disease wreaking havoc in my body, but most likely, something menial that perhaps, one day may have a name. Yet, one thing I have learned is that in the New Testament when Jesus healed people, He never healed someone exactly the same way twice. I was also reminded in Mark 8:22-26 that just as He gradually healed the blind man at Bethsaida, sometimes our healing is gradual.
My prayer for you and for me is that regardless of the healing that we are in need of whether emotional, physical, or spiritual-may we always have eyes to see His faithfulness at work in our midst. May we not get so engrossed in wanting answers on our terms that we miss His hand at work in big and small ways. May we not miss His hand providing, healing, and saving, not just ourselves, but, those in our sphere of influence.