I sat, hunched over, on the floor, in the back right corner of the room. My back was supported by the wall and my vision of anything or anyone remaining in the room was blocked by a black-skirted table. I was attending a CBS (Community Bible Study) training conference in Colorado Springs, CO. Before training officially commenced, we were instructed to find a quiet place in the resort to get alone with the Lord to hear the whispers of His voice.
The irony is that I was originally slated to be sitting in that training room in Colorado Springs in April of 2014 with a team of women from Chester, VA. Instead, about a month and half before, the Lord initiated our family’s move half way across country to re-establish our life in Owasso, OK. A year later, Chester, VA sent their team of four to training. I was still finding if and where my place was in CBS Tulsa. About the time they were attending training in the spring, I was putting out feelers for anyone interested in initiating a CBS Owasso. I held a few social, coffee house gatherings from which, a handful of us began meeting sporadically throughout the summer on Thursday evenings to pray about the Lord’s leading in birthing a group here in Owasso. Toward the end of the summer, I received a phone call to pray about joining the team in CBS Tulsa, for a time, as their Associate Teaching Director. Their current ATD was unexpectedly moving. After much prayer, conversation and counsel, my husband and I believed that the Lord was calling me to push pause on CBS Owasso and join the CBS Tulsa team for a season.
In the corner of that training room, I opened up my Bible to Psalm 78 and began to read, vs 7 “set your hope in me” vs 11 “do not forget my works and the wonders I have shown” vs 22 “choose to believe in me and trust in my saving power” vs 35 “remember that I am your rock, your Most High and your redeemer” vs 42 “remember my power.”
Reading these words, I began to sense the Holy Spirit speaking to my heart. Amber, you heart is grieved for the loss of the way you hoped things would be in your CBS journey. First, that you were moved before training with the Chester team, secondly, because you weren’t given the opportunity to attend the same training with them this past April. I understand your grief. Yet, you must not keep your eyes on things that could have, should have, would have been nice if…but be ever mindful of the works I have done and the wonders I have shown along the way. Keep your heart soft and malleable to what I am doing, not on what you think or wish I had done.
Grappling with my surfacing grief and frustration, I began to read some cross referenced verses to verse 35’s reference to God, “Most High.” Colossians 1:16-17 “…all things have been created through Him and for Him and in Him all things hold together.” Psalm 24:1 “the earth is the Lord’s and everything in it; the world and all who live in it.” Finally, 1 Chronicles 29:12 “Both riches and honor come from you, and you rule over all. In your hand are power and might, and in your hand it is to make great and to give strength to all.”
In that placid moment, in the corner of that room, I knew He was speaking quietly, yet boldly to my heart. His plan isn’t mine to know or understand. He gave me life that I might render it to Him. It isn’t my business to chart the course, but to always be ready and to remember. I am to be ready to move; ready to be used by Him and for Him. I am to remember the works, the wonder and the power He has displayed along the way. He will hold me together each time He calls me to let go. If I am loving well and if I am giving my heart to the people and the ministry He calls me to in each season, there will be grief in the letting go. Yet, He will give me the strength to move forward to advance His kingdom in the ways He deems prudent. This is our dance; me returning the strength of His hand cupping mine, resting my head on His chest and trusting His lead in choreography.
He alone is Most High, Sovereign God. He created it all and He has the right to rule it all.